| May. 15th, 2005 @ 02:41 pm revisiting the past |
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I was looking through my very first online journal... which the location of is a secret to everyone but Jessica... and I found this entry from March of 2004.. one of my last entries I ever put in there.. and I realized I am feeling much like I did in this entry again... so I decided to repost it here:
Depression is like a contagious disease, one person has it, and everyone close to them is susceptible to picking it up. It’s so easy to spread because of what the world has become. Earth shouldn’t belong to anyone. There should be choice if you want to live like everyone else or not. You shouldn’t have to participate in the system in order to get out of it, but you do. What if someone wanted to live a life like our ancestors, or like today’s wild animals? What if I don’t want to live in a house, what if I don’t want to work 9-5? What if I want to hunt for my food, where can I pitch my tent, or build my house, or live in my cave, I can’t because all land, even vacant land, is owned. The earth can be a beautiful, wonderful place. There is magic all around you. The brilliance of the green that the grass contains. The vibrant blues of the sky. The brightness and warmth of the sun. The smell of the salty air near the ocean and the soft sound of the crashing waves. The beautiful white foam at the crest of a wave. The sweet chirpings of a forest or even a small wooded area. The snowcapped mountains. Love, happiness, contentment, beautiful sexual feelings, orgasm. Art, painting, novels, short stories, poetry, music, acting. The magic and beauty of language. A quiet solemn plant, which grows with astounding brilliance. I am not discontented with the world; I am simply disgusted with the people and systems within it. We are forced into a workforce, you are told what you are supposed to want, granted you are “allowed” to make a few of your decisions for yourself, such as what particular type of slave you would like to be, who you would like to be your fellow jail mate, in your box of a house, with your white picket fence, your 2.5 children, and your dog named rover. That is what “happiness” is right? Today’s society breeds people who care nothing about one another, and who believe they are not worth being cared for. Everyone has been told so many times, not to say this or that, we are taught to be honest and not lie or steal with our words, but we grow up watching adults defraud insurance, lie for financial benefit (i.e. In car accidents you should never admit fault), we watch them lie to others to make them “feel” better instead of practicing honesty so they can either accept and live with the truth, or repair a flaw, and as children, are reprimanded when we unknowingly spill out a hidden truth. We are told to tough it out, not to say anything when we are hurting, to put on a smile and work through it anyway, no one cares if everyone else is having a miserable life, as long as it’s unspoken, we pretend it’s non-existent, instead of helping each other’s lives improve, we prey on the weak, we call them crazy, or whiny. Some people are whiny, we are taught that we should be happy with the status quo, that we should be happy in our little boxes, in our little slave positions, so when we are unhappy, even though we are doing everything right, we don’t understand and think it is something wrong with us, so we don’t know to change things, pills and therapy are supposed to fix us. Really therapy teaches us that there is something wrong with us, we are not ok, and we need to change our attitude, and act happy, get up and keep working, and stop bitching and just live our miserable little lives. It doesn’t teach us to change our situations, our lives, which is really what is the source of our misery. The world is a beautiful magical place; it’s just the people and systems of today that cause the mass neurosis that plagues the world today. In the US in 2001 alone there were 44.8 million office visits for mental disorders. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that 1 in 5 adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. In addition, 4 of the 10 leading causes of disability in the U.S. and other developed countries are mental disorders – major depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and obsessive compulsive disorder. They also report that depressive disorders may be appearing earlier in life in people born in recent decades compared to the past. Major depressive disorder is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and established market economies worldwide. In 2000 Suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds. This goes to show that very few people are happy in today’s global capitalist society. Not that this proves that the capitalist society is the cause, but it does show that there is a growing general discontent, and unhappiness, an overpowering neurosis. I know that for me in particular, it is today’s forced capitalist society. There is no choice in the matter, if I want to live in a tent, and grow crops and hunt for my meat, I need to work and save up and buy land, or since in today’s world with constant taxes and bills, it is so hard to save money, I even may have to keep working to pay off a mortgage, and after that I am still not done, because when my land is paid for, I have to work to pay taxes on it. I am not lazy, I am not opposed to work, I am just opposed to someone having control over my time who is not me. I in opposition of having to live in a house. I am sick of having to eat pre-packaged synthetic food, which is full of hormones and chemicals. I want to be able to choose to live life where I am free, where I can go wherever I want whenever I want. I only get to live once, I don’t want to spend the one life I have sitting in an office every day doing work I don’t enjoy. And even if I find a job I enjoy, I am detached from it, it is not work for my goals or purposes, it is work for someone else’s goals and purposes. So start your own business you say? Well, it takes a house to work out of, a house that is un natural, a house that you have to pay water bills and electric bills, a house that you have to spend time cleaning. You don’t have to clean if your house is the earth. You need a car to have a business, because of all of the legalities you have to take care of when running a business, the permits, and trademarks. You have to pay bills and taxes for your business. You have to get supplies. What if what I want to spend all of my time doing is, painting, writing, experiencing, climbing mountains, swimming across the ocean, traveling on foot, on a homemade boat, planting my food and taking care of my crop (I enjoy gardening), taking care of animals some to eat, some to love, or hunting. I would be so much healthier with a life like that, it takes work and exercise to create enough food for yourself, and the food is so much healthier. It would be a better life for my body and for my soul. I just want to learn things, make love, write, paint; I just want to be alive. The constitution says we have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. How am I to pursue happiness when the laws everywhere forbid me from doing the few things that would allow me to be happy? Smoking makes me at least be able to function in the world with the status quo, not a happy function, but at least function, but I am forced to break the law to even have that. I am not hurting anyone when I am doing it, and I can’t function because of my depression when I stop doing it, but yet it is against the law for me to do the one thing that enables me to function and does harm to no one. I could be truly happy if I could find a piece of land that no one is on, and live there, but any land that is not already lived on, the government has forced their claim on it, if it’s not yours, it’s ours is their motto. We are forced to purchase the earth. Since when does the earth belong to anyone? Although all the points I have made are valid and true. Everything I have written means nothing unless change is put into progress. I need to change my focus. I need to do something big. I need to make a change somehow. I need to sit and spend time writing up a course of action, a gradual plan. A group cannot bring revolution. Each individual has to be so fed up; everyone has to start thinking of their own plan to change things. Modern Capitalism does satisfy some people. There are happy people, so seeing that, I am not proposing we do away with capitalism, I am only proposing we leave a choice for those who do not wish to live in this way. |
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blue4me's journal
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